Last night at approximately 11pm:
Mike: I'm closing my eyes now. that means you can't see me anymore!
Me: I think you're confusing us again, because I can still see you. You're the one who can't see!
Mike: no you can't!
Me: yes I can!
Mike: no you can't!
Me: [poke] yes I can!
Mike: hey! you can't see me!
Me: yes I can!
Mike: hmmmph! no you can't!
(5 minutes later)
Me: [poke] I still see you!
Mike: [laughing] no you don't!
Me: yes I do!
Mike: no you don't!
Me: no, it doesn't work that way. when you close your eyes, everybody else can still see you. you're not invisible.
Mike: yes I am!
Me: no you're not!
Mike: yes I am!
Me: I hear a Mike Story coming on!
Mike: [laughing] you should call it Mike Stories: Pillow Talk Exclusive!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
The Mike Stories, Pt. 12
Mike has progressively gotten worse about his cell phone. There was a time not too long ago, when he had a normal phone that he actually had with him on a regular basis. I even remember him sending me sweet cell phone photos when he would go hiking after work, like pictures of daisies because he knows I like them, and pictures of the sunsets.
Then Mike discovered Verizon Dave. Verizon has an app you can use for GPS driving directions. Considering Mike's total lack of a sense of direction, Verizon Navigator was the best thing ever for Mike. (You can choose the voice, and the different voices have names. He went with one called Dave, and we called him Verizon Dave. we even considered addressing a Christmas card to Verizon Dave)
But then Spanish Mike got ahold of Verizon Dave and changed the voice to a Spanish speaking girl voice. That definitely messed with Mike's sense of direction, but on the other hand probably helped with the Spanish learning. (it was also kind of funny).
I suspect it's also Spanish Mike's fault that Mike got rid of the Verizon phone altogether and got one of the cheap pre-paid phones through another company. Then Spanish Mike discovered some service through Google, and swapped out his phone number for that, which is supposed to forward all calls to a phone of your choice. the theory is that it can send your calls to your desk phone during the day at work, and to your cell or home phone in the evening and weekends... or at least i think that's supposed to be the idea. Spanish Mike isn't too big on explanations.
The problem with all of this is that although Mike does have a crappy cell phone without directions.... he never takes it with him. it's always left at home, hiding in the bathroom or under the bed. Every time I have tried to call him in the past 2+ months, it's gone to voicemail. it's totally annoying.
I tried to call Mike tonight to ask him to pick up some stuff to throw on the BBQ for dinner on his way home, so neither of us would have to leave the house again. Naturally I heard his phone ringing about 15 ft away from me when I tried to call him. (big surprise).
Maybe an hour after that, Mike walked in with a bag full of groceries - including a bunch of stuff to BBQ for dinner tonight! Maybe Spanish Mike doesn't need a phone because he can read my mind!
Then Mike discovered Verizon Dave. Verizon has an app you can use for GPS driving directions. Considering Mike's total lack of a sense of direction, Verizon Navigator was the best thing ever for Mike. (You can choose the voice, and the different voices have names. He went with one called Dave, and we called him Verizon Dave. we even considered addressing a Christmas card to Verizon Dave)
But then Spanish Mike got ahold of Verizon Dave and changed the voice to a Spanish speaking girl voice. That definitely messed with Mike's sense of direction, but on the other hand probably helped with the Spanish learning. (it was also kind of funny).
I suspect it's also Spanish Mike's fault that Mike got rid of the Verizon phone altogether and got one of the cheap pre-paid phones through another company. Then Spanish Mike discovered some service through Google, and swapped out his phone number for that, which is supposed to forward all calls to a phone of your choice. the theory is that it can send your calls to your desk phone during the day at work, and to your cell or home phone in the evening and weekends... or at least i think that's supposed to be the idea. Spanish Mike isn't too big on explanations.
The problem with all of this is that although Mike does have a crappy cell phone without directions.... he never takes it with him. it's always left at home, hiding in the bathroom or under the bed. Every time I have tried to call him in the past 2+ months, it's gone to voicemail. it's totally annoying.
I tried to call Mike tonight to ask him to pick up some stuff to throw on the BBQ for dinner on his way home, so neither of us would have to leave the house again. Naturally I heard his phone ringing about 15 ft away from me when I tried to call him. (big surprise).
Maybe an hour after that, Mike walked in with a bag full of groceries - including a bunch of stuff to BBQ for dinner tonight! Maybe Spanish Mike doesn't need a phone because he can read my mind!
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Mike Stories, Pt. 11
Me: What are you doing?
Mike: Reading the internets
Me: oh... what is it?
Mike: Do you want me to send it to you?
Me: no... just tell me. I don't want you to send it.
Mike: I'm going to send it!
Me: I'm not opening it! I'll just send it back!
Mike: There! Sent!
Me: Well I'm sending it back!
Mike: I cleared my chat history! so there!
Me: oh yeah? Well I'm sending it back! There! Take that!
Mike: oooh, what's that? (clicks on the link, so he has the same site open in 2 windows)
Me: DORK!
Mike: Reading the internets
Me: oh... what is it?
Mike: Do you want me to send it to you?
Me: no... just tell me. I don't want you to send it.
Mike: I'm going to send it!
Me: I'm not opening it! I'll just send it back!
Mike: There! Sent!
Me: Well I'm sending it back!
Mike: I cleared my chat history! so there!
Me: oh yeah? Well I'm sending it back! There! Take that!
Mike: oooh, what's that? (clicks on the link, so he has the same site open in 2 windows)
Me: DORK!
The Mike Stories, Pt. 10
The Deck Mess
Mike has been tearing out the deck in the back, which is an especially good thing since he discovered that the wood was very weak and that we could have fallen through the deck at any given time... The problem here is that this is taking much longer than he had lead me to believe, meanwhile leaving a mess that looks like someone put dynamite under the deck and blew it up... there are boards (with nails sticking out, mind you) everywhere... tools everywhere (Mike leaves tools laying around all of the time. I was taught that tools get put away when you're done with them, so you can find them next time... and so they don't rust when you leave them out in the rain. Mike's mess of tools drives me nuts, but I digress)
Tonight
Me: Mike, You should go to the store and get snacks!
Mike: No, you should go!
Me: But Mike, look what your deck mess did to me! (pointing at a big scratch on my leg)
Mike: What were you doing out there, running around?
Me: No, I was letting the dog out, but you have mess everywhere and there's no clear path, so it's like landmines out there!
[note: there is a big temporary fenced off area especially for Morpheus to run and play where there is NO deck mess... at least the dog is safe, right!] :)
Mike: Well look at this... and this... (pointing to various scratches)
Me: Is that from your deck mess too?
Mike: Yes... and this, and this... and this bruise...
Me: Well you know what that proves?
Mike: What?
Me: That you should clean up your mess back there!!
Mike: I was working on it yesterday!
Me: I don't believe you, because it's worse today than it was yesterday!
Mike: (laughs)
Me: So you should go to the store.
Mike: OK.
Mike has been tearing out the deck in the back, which is an especially good thing since he discovered that the wood was very weak and that we could have fallen through the deck at any given time... The problem here is that this is taking much longer than he had lead me to believe, meanwhile leaving a mess that looks like someone put dynamite under the deck and blew it up... there are boards (with nails sticking out, mind you) everywhere... tools everywhere (Mike leaves tools laying around all of the time. I was taught that tools get put away when you're done with them, so you can find them next time... and so they don't rust when you leave them out in the rain. Mike's mess of tools drives me nuts, but I digress)
Tonight
Me: Mike, You should go to the store and get snacks!
Mike: No, you should go!
Me: But Mike, look what your deck mess did to me! (pointing at a big scratch on my leg)
Mike: What were you doing out there, running around?
Me: No, I was letting the dog out, but you have mess everywhere and there's no clear path, so it's like landmines out there!
[note: there is a big temporary fenced off area especially for Morpheus to run and play where there is NO deck mess... at least the dog is safe, right!] :)
Mike: Well look at this... and this... (pointing to various scratches)
Me: Is that from your deck mess too?
Mike: Yes... and this, and this... and this bruise...
Me: Well you know what that proves?
Mike: What?
Me: That you should clean up your mess back there!!
Mike: I was working on it yesterday!
Me: I don't believe you, because it's worse today than it was yesterday!
Mike: (laughs)
Me: So you should go to the store.
Mike: OK.
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Mike Stories, Pt. 9: Follow Up
still no word on the remote, but Spanish Mike did go to the effort of putting TNT in Spanish. it's been stuck that way for 2 days now. (he finally e-mailed instructions to put it back into English)
Answers(?) to some of the mysterious occurrences of late:
According to Mike, the potholder was in the freezer 2 days ago so that he wouldn't burn the freezer, and the orange was in the upstairs bathroom because he was bringing it to work.
Answers(?) to some of the mysterious occurrences of late:
According to Mike, the potholder was in the freezer 2 days ago so that he wouldn't burn the freezer, and the orange was in the upstairs bathroom because he was bringing it to work.
The Mike Stories, Pt. 9
Mike has been learning Spanish on his own for quite some time. (since even before I met him, I think). It's rather slow going compared to taking a class... but he's made a lot of progress. A few months ago he started watching Spanish kids' shows. Then he found some kind of flash card app for his iPod that helps him learn words. Most recently he's started reading a Spanish book and he's recording a Yoga workout show that airs in Spanish...
...all of this is very cool, but I've discovered that Spanish Mike is quite different than Regular Mike. Regular Mike doesn't watch much tv (Spanish Mike watches a lot of tv). Regular Mike refuses to go to yoga with me (Spanish Mike goes to the effort of recording a yoga workout show so he can do it whenever he feels like it!). Regular Mike never ever reads for pleasure (but Spanish Mike sure does!).
In light of all of this strange stuff that Spanish Mike does, I find myself sitting in my living room alone wondering which Mike is putting strange things in strange places lately. Two days ago I found a POT HOLDER in the freezer. Yesterday I found an orange in the upstairs bathroom. (I don't even want to know why you would need an orange in the bathroom). This morning I found Mike's cell phone left in the downstairs bathroom, and the cable remote is missing (again)... I have a feeling it will turn up in a bizarre location - i've already checked the freezer. not there.
Regular Mike does lose stuff on a regular basis... but these latest strangely placed items are just a little too weird for Regular Mike... I think Spanish Mike might hide things with a flair for the weird.
...all of this is very cool, but I've discovered that Spanish Mike is quite different than Regular Mike. Regular Mike doesn't watch much tv (Spanish Mike watches a lot of tv). Regular Mike refuses to go to yoga with me (Spanish Mike goes to the effort of recording a yoga workout show so he can do it whenever he feels like it!). Regular Mike never ever reads for pleasure (but Spanish Mike sure does!).
In light of all of this strange stuff that Spanish Mike does, I find myself sitting in my living room alone wondering which Mike is putting strange things in strange places lately. Two days ago I found a POT HOLDER in the freezer. Yesterday I found an orange in the upstairs bathroom. (I don't even want to know why you would need an orange in the bathroom). This morning I found Mike's cell phone left in the downstairs bathroom, and the cable remote is missing (again)... I have a feeling it will turn up in a bizarre location - i've already checked the freezer. not there.
Regular Mike does lose stuff on a regular basis... but these latest strangely placed items are just a little too weird for Regular Mike... I think Spanish Mike might hide things with a flair for the weird.
The Mike Stories, Pt. 8
i think mike has a subconscious wish to have our house robbed... quite possibly also burned down, but at least robbed. either that or he's working on a malicious underground plot to get my cats to run away. he's actually been successful with both cats if that's his goal...
i'll explain: Mike has issues with the doors. he won't lock them. half the time he won't even close them. About a month ago Akira snuck out the back door after Mike went out and forgot to shut the screen door all of the way (as far as we can tell anyway). He was missing for a couple of days. Masaaki was actually the first one to notice Akira's absence. Masaaki started behaving strangely - he was wandering the house restless and howling... then we discovered the source of Masaaki's anxiety - his feline buddy was nowhere to be found... on one hand it's totally adorable that they've bonded so well... on the other hand it just makes the whole situation that much more heartbreaking when one of them has gone missing.
Akira eventually showed up. it appears that he snuck out, ran into something scary, hid under the deck, and waited until after dark to bravely approach the door to try to get back in. we had the window open so he could hear Masaaki crying for him... when i was about to close the window for the night, there he was, right outside the window staring right back at me. he was a little scardey cat once we did finally entice him back in. poor guy. it only detered him for a couple of days from trying to rush the front door every time we open it, though. he's a stinker.
Where Mike was successful at losing Masaaki is a much more disturbing story. Masaaki is the worlds biggest weenie cat. i've never worried about him trying to get outside, because frankly the outside world scares the crap out of him. he sees an open door and he runs the other way and hides. he's certain that everything out there is one gigantic plot to kill him, and i'm just fine with him thinking so.
well... during the past week I've had some sort of death cold, and have been doing nothing but sleeping and occasionally eating. On Saturday night Mike went up and drew a bath for me... after asking if he had locked the doors, i went up to relax for the night. the next morning i got up a bit early hoping i'd have the energy to go to a dog show (that was Sunday - i made it, and it rocked!)... when i made it downstairs i immediately saw that the door was hanging open. not just unlocked (as Mike is so fond of doing) but actually hanging open. it was open about a foot. I poked my head out and there was Akira sitting on the front step. I ordered him back in, and in he came.... i closed the door and went looking for Masaaki...
Masaaki wasn't in the house. we checked everywhere! the most likely scenario is this: the door was open ALL night... when Masaaki discovered this around bed time, he most likely hid from it... then perhaps watched as Akira wandered out... even realized that Akira didn't get jumped and murdered the second he went out... and (heaven forbid) Akira seemed to even be enjoying his little outdoor adventure... perhaps sometime around 3 or 4am Masaaki worked up the courage to venture out too... then ran into something that scared the crap out of him... like... oh... say.... a slug... then he probably bolted and hid somewhere until nightfall the next evening.
when we checked outside in the morning, he was nowhere to be found. To his credit, Masaaki is the most excellent hider i have ever seen in my entire life. that evening we tried shutting Akira in the cat room (yes we have a cat room. disgusting isn't it?)... so we could open all of the doors and hope that Masaaki would wander in on his own. knowing what a big weenie he is, i just wasn't sure what to expect. it was totally anticlimactic. nothing happened. we had to shut the doors and go to bed. i left the window open upstairs, though, so i could hear him if he started howling (howling is Masaaki's other special talent).
...and howling he did! an hour or two after we went to bed he started in. he was right outside the front door howling to get in, and came right in when i opened the door. it was probably the only act of bravery i should ever expect out of the cat, as i'm sure it took every ounce of courage the poor guy had, and then some! he remained skittish and nervous all night, and even through to this morning. about an hour after i got home, though, he was back to his old self, jumping up next to me on the couch and demanding attention.
guess what else i found when i got home today? Mike forgot to lock the front door when he left for work this morning. i've already explained to him numerous times that he is not invincible, his house is not invincible, and that people really do get their houses robbed... and that the first line of defense against that sort of thing is to lock the friggin doors like everybody else with any sort of common sense does. but does he listen?...
[originally published 6/8/2009]
i'll explain: Mike has issues with the doors. he won't lock them. half the time he won't even close them. About a month ago Akira snuck out the back door after Mike went out and forgot to shut the screen door all of the way (as far as we can tell anyway). He was missing for a couple of days. Masaaki was actually the first one to notice Akira's absence. Masaaki started behaving strangely - he was wandering the house restless and howling... then we discovered the source of Masaaki's anxiety - his feline buddy was nowhere to be found... on one hand it's totally adorable that they've bonded so well... on the other hand it just makes the whole situation that much more heartbreaking when one of them has gone missing.
Akira eventually showed up. it appears that he snuck out, ran into something scary, hid under the deck, and waited until after dark to bravely approach the door to try to get back in. we had the window open so he could hear Masaaki crying for him... when i was about to close the window for the night, there he was, right outside the window staring right back at me. he was a little scardey cat once we did finally entice him back in. poor guy. it only detered him for a couple of days from trying to rush the front door every time we open it, though. he's a stinker.
Where Mike was successful at losing Masaaki is a much more disturbing story. Masaaki is the worlds biggest weenie cat. i've never worried about him trying to get outside, because frankly the outside world scares the crap out of him. he sees an open door and he runs the other way and hides. he's certain that everything out there is one gigantic plot to kill him, and i'm just fine with him thinking so.
well... during the past week I've had some sort of death cold, and have been doing nothing but sleeping and occasionally eating. On Saturday night Mike went up and drew a bath for me... after asking if he had locked the doors, i went up to relax for the night. the next morning i got up a bit early hoping i'd have the energy to go to a dog show (that was Sunday - i made it, and it rocked!)... when i made it downstairs i immediately saw that the door was hanging open. not just unlocked (as Mike is so fond of doing) but actually hanging open. it was open about a foot. I poked my head out and there was Akira sitting on the front step. I ordered him back in, and in he came.... i closed the door and went looking for Masaaki...
Masaaki wasn't in the house. we checked everywhere! the most likely scenario is this: the door was open ALL night... when Masaaki discovered this around bed time, he most likely hid from it... then perhaps watched as Akira wandered out... even realized that Akira didn't get jumped and murdered the second he went out... and (heaven forbid) Akira seemed to even be enjoying his little outdoor adventure... perhaps sometime around 3 or 4am Masaaki worked up the courage to venture out too... then ran into something that scared the crap out of him... like... oh... say.... a slug... then he probably bolted and hid somewhere until nightfall the next evening.
when we checked outside in the morning, he was nowhere to be found. To his credit, Masaaki is the most excellent hider i have ever seen in my entire life. that evening we tried shutting Akira in the cat room (yes we have a cat room. disgusting isn't it?)... so we could open all of the doors and hope that Masaaki would wander in on his own. knowing what a big weenie he is, i just wasn't sure what to expect. it was totally anticlimactic. nothing happened. we had to shut the doors and go to bed. i left the window open upstairs, though, so i could hear him if he started howling (howling is Masaaki's other special talent).
...and howling he did! an hour or two after we went to bed he started in. he was right outside the front door howling to get in, and came right in when i opened the door. it was probably the only act of bravery i should ever expect out of the cat, as i'm sure it took every ounce of courage the poor guy had, and then some! he remained skittish and nervous all night, and even through to this morning. about an hour after i got home, though, he was back to his old self, jumping up next to me on the couch and demanding attention.
guess what else i found when i got home today? Mike forgot to lock the front door when he left for work this morning. i've already explained to him numerous times that he is not invincible, his house is not invincible, and that people really do get their houses robbed... and that the first line of defense against that sort of thing is to lock the friggin doors like everybody else with any sort of common sense does. but does he listen?...
[originally published 6/8/2009]
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