The Mike Stories, Pt 64

So Mike found shampoo today that says it will gradually lighten his hair. Naturally he had to buy it. And today the experiment begins!

The Mike Stories, Pt. 63

Last night Mike got the brilliant idea to clean the oven. We've only done it once or twice before, and so when he couldn't get it the cleaning function to turn on, we weren't sure if it was broken or if we were doing it wrong. We never really figured that out...

And then fast forward to tonight. Around 5pm we decided to make a frozen pizza for dinner. Mike pre-heated the oven, and then went to put the pizza in the oven. Except it turns out that he forgot to slide the oven lock back to the unlocked position. And while the cleaning function may be broken, the oven still knows to remain locked until the oven is completely cooled off. And so Mike successfully locked us out of the oven. And so at 7pm the now un-frozen pizza still sits on the counter, waiting to be baked.

The Mike Stories, Pt. 62

I'm 22 weeks pregnant, and Mike is really testing my patience this week!

We get a weekly bag of organic fruits & vegetables from Full Circle, and every Monday I try to remember to put their re-usable shopping bag outside so they can pick it up when the drop off our order early on Tuesday morning. Well last night when I went to put the bag outside, I discovered that Mike had left his keys in the front door. (I asked him if he was trying to invite burglars and rapists in while I sleep).

Earlier today, while getting ready for my prenatal water aerobics class, I discovered that Mike hid my flip flops, most likely when he "cleaned up" in the living room before steam cleaning the carpet a couple days ago. It's particularly annoying, since at 22 weeks pregnant, bending over to put on regular shoes is kind of a workout. He is still refusing to tell me where he put the flip flops.

When I got home from my prenatal water aerobics class tonight, I discovered that Mike had thrown away a bottle of paint thinner, and was in the process of trying to hide half of the paint for baby Zephyr's dresser in the laundry room - most likely on its way to be lost forever in the abyss of a "man cave" that the garage has become.

And now I'm certain that he's trying to kill me with sensory overload. When you're pregnant, you can smell everything, and it all smells a lot stronger than it usually does. Mike likes to use Simple Green cleaner, which he swears does a great job of cleaning. I've been complaining about how much it stinks since he first discovered it, and have been begging him to find something that stinks less. I don't know what he was actually doing with it in the kitchen tonight, but to me it smelled like he must have poured the entire bottle on the floor. Breathing in that madness felt like he was pouring mint scented bleach into my lungs. Mint by itself would be bad enough, as I can't stand mint. I had to open the windows, turn on fans, and go stand outside for about 10 minutes just to breathe! (which wasn't exactly fun in late October when it's freezing and raining outside!)

The Mike Stories, Pt. 61

Mike just walked in the door (2 hours earlier than he usually gets home) and announces:

Mike: King 5 News called, I might be on tv. [leaves the room]
Me: When?
Mike: uh huh. (mumbling from somewhere upstairs)
Me: That is not a date or a time?
Mike: what? (shouting from upstairs)
Me: um, ok - do you want to expand on that?
Mike: King 5, you know, the news tv show.
Me: uh yeah, I know what the news is. Why did they call you? Because they think you're cool?

(it turns out they called about a charity event that he's organizing this weekend).

The Mike Stories, Pt. 60

Me: What are you doing?
Mike: LMFAO! (while playing with the Roku remote)..... except I can never remember how it's spelled.
Me: you realize you just spelled it.....?
Mike: Well it's hard!

The Mike Stories, Pt. 59

I haven't seen the Roku remote in days. It isn't a big deal because I have the handy Roku app on my phone, which does everything the remote does. But I asked Mike about the remote earlier, and he accused me of losing it. (I rolled my eyes and went back to hoping it would turn up in the medicine cabinet)

....and then Mike got up to do something. As soon as he sat back down on the couch, the show he was watching paused. He looked at his phone to see if he had bumped it while the Roku app was on. Nope. Then the light went off - he got that look of exciting discovery, and started digging in the couch cushions. Sure enough - he was sitting on the missing Roku remote the whole time.

The Mike Stories, Pt. 58

On Wednesday of last week Mike's car mysteriously stopped working. It just wouldn't turn on when he tried to start it. The radio and lights worked just fine, so it wasn't a dead battery. We have a roadside assistance program, so we were able to get it towed to a mechanic on Friday without too much fuss.

The mechanic Mike chose had great ratings on Yelp, but (probably due to those great ratings) that particular mechanic was quite busy. They said they probably wouldn't be able to take a look at his car until Monday. Well Monday is here, and when I got home from work today Mike said he hadn't heard from the mechanic yet. He went ahead and gave them a call. He happened to have the phone on speaker, so I could hear the conversation. The polite gentleman on the other end of the phone told Mike several times that they most definitely did not have a Hyundai Accent waiting for service.

After giving me a horrified look that practically screamed "that bastard tow truck driver stole my car!" - Mike finally asked the guy on the phone if they were "Import Auto Repair" and gave the location for the place he thought he was calling. Turns out he had called the wrong mechanic.

[after he hung up, he called the correct mechanic and verified that they did in fact have his car. They're still trying to diagnose the problem].

The Mike Stories, Pt. 57

Me: Hey, we need to give Lacey a theme for some cupcakes!
Mike: Ooooh, lets do something with almonds. like creamy almonds, or almond filling.
Me: Like almond butter?
Mike: No, like Twinkies
Me: I REFUSE to ask Lacey to make Twinkies for me! I won't do it!
Mike: Not even adult Twinkies?

{I gave him the evil eye}

Mike: Ok, fine. How about like on those cooking shows where they give you weird ingredients and ask you to make something with them, like bok choy and a can of coke?
Me: You want me to ask Lacey for cupcakes made out of bok choy and coke?
Mike: Hmph. we're just throwing around ideas here - there are no wrong answers!
Me: Yes there are! Asparagus cupcakes, for example, sound totally disgusting. That is a WRONG answer!
Mike: You have a point! I still think you should do adult themed twinkies, like twinkies you would never ever give to a kid. you should have her put bubble gum vodka in the filling.
Me: That sounds gross.
Mike: Yeah, that does actually sound kinda gross. Maybe we should use powdered alcohol. and a cherry on top. I want a cherry!
Me: And I want something normal!
Mike: How about something for Cinco de Mayo... when is she making them?

....And that was the best idea that Mike has had so far regarding cupcakes. Lacey made some fantastic Mexican hot chocolate cupcakes for us last year for a Mexican themed movie night.

The Mike Stories, Pt. 56

The weather today was amazing! And to celebrate the unusually nice weather, Mike and I went out to a local brewery with outdoor seating to enjoy a frosty beverage and watch the sunset. Shortly after we were seated, Mike told me that he had gotten a "warning" from his new Twitter account (@MikeStoriesFans) - an account he opened yesterday in his quest to become Internet Famous. He wrote some kind of algorithm to auto-post for him. (I asked him if he was just stealing other people's posts and re-posting them. He didn't really give me a straight answer, which I assume means "yes")

Eventually, he told me that Twitter warned him that his account would be blocked if he didn't "stop" whatever it was that he was doing (which he neglected to explain in a way that made sense). Upon questioning him about possibly being Twitter blocked, he fessed up that the he had already been suspended by Twitter, not just "warned" about whatever he was up to.

I told him he'd probably be blocked by the time he got home. He said "yeah, probably. My algorithm needs work!" I suspect the suspension had to do with his Twitter account being run by a robot instead of by an actual person. (to which he replied that he did have to enter Captcha information to prove he was a real person in order to remove the suspension on his account).

He claims that the suspension warning looked like the one below, but I bet the wording had to do with robots and spamming! At the time of this posting, his Twitter account - opened roughly 24 hours ago - has posted 1,020 tweets. Amazingly he has somehow gotten 77 followers already. Spamming with robots appears to be effective!

The Mike Stories, Pt. 55

Me: What are you doing?
Mike: I'm trying to spell 'fan fiction' but I'm running out of characters and i can't get this Twitter account to work
Me: You're making a Twitter account?
Mike: Yes, for The Mike Stories Fan Fiction account.... if I can figure out how to spell Fan Fiction so it'll fit.
Me: ....so you can write fiction stories about yourself?
Mike: No. So the fans can add their stories.
Me: Right. And how are they going to post their stories to your twitter account?
Mike: you shhhh! I haven't figured that out yet. Maybe if I spell "stories" with a "y" it'll fit. I'm going to be more internet famous than you!

The Mike Stories, Pt. 54.2

Mike has continued his quest to become Internet Famous. I caught him Googling "How to become internet famous" - see below:

He found a video that told him to:
1) sign up for social media accounts (he has since created Facebook and Instagram accounts for "The Mike Stories Behind the Scenes" or, as he likes to call it "The Mike Stories BTS"
2) start using loads of hashtags. He's now in the middle of adding billions of hashtags to a photo he took of me while writing The Mike Stories.

As a side note, Mike has set his phone to all Spanish all the time, and it took him about 10 minutes to figure out how to login to his new Instagram account on his phone. GPS directions in Spanish via Google Maps on his phone has also made our recent car trips a little more of an adventure.

The Mike Stories, Pt. 54

Today in the car:

Me: Guess what?
Mike: What?
Me: The Mike Stories has an Instagram follower that isn't somebody we know! (Here's lookin' at you cali_chucks_on!)
Mike: Oh! We should look up how to be internet famous!
Me: haha! I see where you're going with this..
Mike: Yeah! Then you can be internet famous. You'll be the wife of The Mike Stories guy!
Me: You mean the AUTHOR of The Mike Stories
Mike: Same same! ....you should publish a book and then William Shatner can play me in the movie, so I can get more followers
Me: I'm pretty sure it would be easier to publish if we have more fans first.
Mike: Yeah. You should post more often. You have to post photos like every day
Me: You'll have to do funny stuff more often then.
Mike: Or you could make stuff up!
Me: No way! I don't have to make stuff up - The Mike Stories are TRUE!

Follow The Mike Stories on Instagram

The Mike Stories, Pt. 53

After almost 6 years of marriage, I have discovered that it isn't me who needs a little extra time to get ready when we go out - it's Mike. We've been running 5k and 10k runs, and I've been insisting that Mike wake up 15 minutes earlier than me, so we can get out of the house on time. (He likes to make sure his running outfit is perfect, and likes to roam around the house spending 10 minutes "looking" for his shoes and wallet).

Yesterday we got out of the house right on time for our first trail run - The Mud & Chocolate Trail Run! Mike got up 15 minutes early. As far as I could tell all he did was wander around in his PJ pants for 15 minutes, but somehow it helped.... 

then later in the evening when we were headed out for dinner with Alyssa, Mike spent some time picking out the right outfit:

Mike: Do you think I should put on a different shirt for dinner? (his shirt was just fine)
Me: I don't think it matters. Wear what you want!
Mike: (after changing shirt) maybe I should change my pants too. I think they're dirty. (then sniffs his shoes)
Me: What are you doing?
Mike: It's called Decorum!
Me: You're decorum!
Mike: Maybe you're decorum!
Me: Nope. you WISH I was decorum! You're mad that I'm not decorum!
Mike: Yeah. You should have decorum!

Mike is totally appalled that I'm willing to go to the grocery store on my way home from a run. He has to come home and take a shower and pick out a "grocery shopping outfit" before he's willing to pickup milk & eggs. (Sometimes I wear PJ pants to the store just to bug him!)

The Mike Stories, Pt. 52

Mike and I are training to do a mud run with our friends Marilee and Lacey in July. I've been taking Mike to the gym so we can get our upper bodies in shape for the obstacles. Today I caught Mike holding his breath and scrunching up his face while doing the shoulder press. When I asked him about it, he insisted that he was just making a duck face so he could take a selfie at the gym.... so I gave him my phone and let him prove it. Here's the result:

...after that, he started making duck face on all of the machines:

...and even at home while trying to balance on the yoga ball

The Mike Stories, Pt. 51

We got a got a voice directed operation system vcr from the Goodwill tonight.
and then.....
Mike: "VCR SET CLOCK!"
Mike: "hmm...." (changes channel on the tv, and we get that amazing white snow we haven't seen since the '90s)
VCR: Displays "Hello" but says nothing.
Mike: pushes a lot of buttons, and announces that we need to set it to mono mode.
...
puts in a tape, and it plays with a lot of hissing and tracking issues.
VCR: Displays "Alarm" but says nothing
Mike: "VCR PLAY!"
it actually starts playing!
Me: oh my god, did it actually work?
Mike: No, I hit the button.
He then tries to rewind it, and discovers it was at the beginning... then:
Mike: "VCR PLAY! PLAY THE MOVIE! CHRISSY!..."
Me: What?!
Mike: "It's not listening to me!"
so then he takes out his phone and....
Mike: (in his special voice reserved for telling his phone what to do): "GOOGLE: VOICE DIRECTED OPERATING SYSTEM!"
a few minutes later he tells me that our new vcr got 3 out of 5 stars rating.

we are now watching some old episodes of The Muppets on vhs. tracking issues resolved, but no luck getting the voice directed business to work.

The Mike Stories, Pt. 50

It recently came to my attention that I had not yet posted about Mike's Lie Box.

Circa December 2008, Mike and I found ourselves discussing his lies, and where he must keep them all. I guessed that he must have a "lie box" for them... and it became a funny inside joke. I told him that I was going to give him a lie box for Christmas. He didn't believe me. Between then and Christmas he would periodically ask me what I was giving him for Christmas - and my answer was consistently "a lie box." He thought I was being cheeky right up until Christmas day.

Below is the e-mail that I send out to everyone I had an e-mail address for:
 
Dear friends & family,

I'm writing because I need your help with a unique project...  I am making a "lie box" for Mike, for Christmas.  I'll explain:  Sometimes Mike "accidentally" tells lies (most commonly, I'll ask him where he put something, and he'll tell me that he "hasn't seen it in months"... then I'll find it sitting right next to him)... So I was joking with him the other day that he must have a "lie box" to keep all of his lies in... I told him it must be like a toy box, except he keeps lies in it instead of toys.  After brainstorming with him for a while about what a "lie box" might be - we decided it would be a smaller box, and everyone's lies could be written on pieces of paper and kept inside - and Mike thought it could even be turned into a game somehow.  I jokingly told him I would give him one for Christmas...

...so that's where your help comes in handy! I think it would be fun to actually make a "lie box" for him for Christmas, and put some actual lies in there that people have told. I'll print them out on nice paper and have them laminated... who knows - maybe it really will become a game you can play when you visit us at our new house. ;)
if you'd like to help - please send me the most interesting/funny/etc. lies that you have ever told (I don't need the stories behind them - just the lies themselves). They will go in the box, right along with Mike's infamous "I haven't seen it in months"!
Thank you for your lies ;)
Chrissy
---

After that, e-mails rolled in daily, detailing some of the best lies my friends and family had ever told. Some were naughty, some were kind of evil, and most were hysterically funny. I printed each one up on a separate card, and had them laminated. They now reside in a fancy metal box. In 2011 I did an update to the lie box, including some new lies from a smaller group of friends. The request in 2011 didn't elicit nearly the volume of replies that the original request did.

Mike has been tinkering with the idea of creating a website for the Lie Box since 2008. Sharing these incredible lies is irresistible.

so... what's your best lie?

The Mike Stories, Pt. 49

Mike has a terrible sense of direction. Even with GPS navigation, his talent for getting lost is astounding. To help him deal with this problem, he has been looking for a new app for his phone. He wants one that we can both install, so he can "find me" when we're separated and trying to find one another (as recently happened at Marymoor Park).

The first app Mike downloaded worked like an interactive map, and you could add friends to your circle and see where they were if they had their app running. It also showed you where registered sex offenders lived. You could touch their little house icons on the map, and it would pull up their photo with a description of what they had been convicted of. All of this creeped Mike out. Personally I found it useful. I like knowing where those bastards live, and knowing what they look like - so I can actively avoid them! Mike, though, was determined to find a different app.

Today Mike told me about a new app he had downloaded. So far he seems to love this one. He says it's like interactive GPS where it gets feedback from other users about how fast various routes actually are, you can post an alert when you notice a cop hiding out to catch speeders... and according to true Mike fashion, he told me all of this (and attempted to show me most of it) while driving. I reminded him several times that he shouldn't be playing with his phone while driving (you can get a traffic ticket for that in our state).

After a couple of minutes of quiet in the car, Mike suddenly tells me "There's a ninja coming up!" I gave him a look, and asked "a ninja?" ....at which point he held up his phone and showed me, saying "yes! a ninja! see!" (it was somebody's user icon, which happened to look like a ninja) - the "ninja" had a name - Steve, or something. I don't remember. Apparently Steve the Ninja was another driver who was also using the app, also driving on I-5. I asked him why on earth he needed to know who else was driving on the same road as him. He told me:
"In case you want to chat them up, like the old school ham radios. 'Breaker Breaker - hey buddy, what's up? Breaker Breaker Over'"
(I suspect that's not actually how one would speak on a ham radio?) ....but it seems that his new app does have a feature that would allow you to send a voice message to the other drivers.
so I asked him the obvious - "what is this? a new strategy for making friends?" - which he seemed to think was a good idea.

Personally I'd rather know where sex offenders live than try to befriend strangers on my morning commute.

The Mike Stories, Pt. 48

Mike and I were enjoying a quiet evening at home, relaxing and watching British comedies, when all of the sudden....

B O O M !

something LOUD fell in the other room. Morpheus was with us when it happened, so we knew he didn't do it. so initially we assumed a cat must be to blame. wrong.

the real culprit? Mike. (what did you expect?)

Mike recently made a batch of beer and bottled it. He was worried that it might not produce any carbonation in the bottles. He opened one about a week ago, though, that had produce a nice amount of carbonation. Tonight he put a couple in the front room, ready to take one to his buddy tomorrow. That one exploded. And not just blew the cap off - the bottle literally exploded. The piece that's left looks like Mike's ready for a bar fight. And now there is now beer all over the room - floors, walls - everything. What Mike is really doing is making beer bombs. (want one?)

The Mike Stories, Pt. 47

Me: since you won't go and get cookies for me, i'm going to go and get some myself!
Mike: Where are you going?
Me: To the bar!
Mike: What?!!
Me: I'm going to Safeway - where do you think I'm going? Duh!
Mike: Will you get something for me?
Me: like what?
Mike: Well, actually I want two things. Krill oil...
Me: ok...
Mike: and Bud Light Lime
Me: .....um... I may go to the store in my pajamas sometimes, but I will not be seen buying Bud Light! No way!
Mike: You have standards
Me: That one totally crosses the line! Not gonna happen!

....I got him this instead:

The Mike Stories, Pt. 46

Tonight i was doing a little research on how to care for my new orchid. I noticed an interesting little quote at the bottom of the tag that came with the plant, and read it to Mike:

Me: "A NASA study has shown houseplants: help remove toxins from the air; help to increase energy and health"

Mike: I'm pretty sure Morpheus adds some toxins to the air.

Me: Maybe we should put a houseplant in his crate!

Mike: Oh, did you say housePLANTS? I thought you said house PETS!